Emmy-nominated writer, comedian, and award-winning author, Jonterri Gadson has written for notable TV shows including A Black Lady Sketch Show on HBO, THE UPSHAWS on Netflix, and other projects for NBC and Adult Swim.
Jonterri Gadson is a former creative writing professor who chose writing/directing/producing TV & Film over seeking tenure. She currently writes for the upcoming EVERYBODY STILL HATES CHRIS. She has also written for HBO’S A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW (for which she is Emmy-nominated), Netflix’s THE UPSHAWS (Season 2), NBC’s MAKING IT with Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman, The Kelly Clarkson Show, and Adult Swim’s half-hour comedy Bird Girl. Additionally, she was a Comedy Consulting Producer on 12 Dates of Christmas (HBO Max) writing comedic host copy for Natasha Rothwell. She won Kevin Hart’s LOL Film Fellowship for a short she wrote/directed and premiered at the American Black Film Festival. She’s an alum of the NBC Late Night Writers Workshop, New York Stage & Film Filmmakers Lab, Refinery29 & TBS Riot Comedy Writers Lab, and the IFP Project Forum. She’s published three poetry books, including the full-length poetry collection Blues Triumphant (YesYes Books). Visit Jonterri's website and follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
BLISS HOUSE
Written by
Jonterri Gadson
INT. BLISS HOUSE RECEPTION AREA - DAY
STEVE holds open the door for ANGIE. He bows. She curtsies. They’re white. It’s cute. They approach DANIELLE, the receptionist. She’s black and her smile is beaming.
DANIELLE
Angie! Is this the infamous Steve?
ANGIE
Yes, I didn’t leave him at home to
watch the kids while I luxuriate
this time.
STEVE
I’m finally gonna see what all this
luxuriating is about.
DANIELLE
I won’t let you wait a second
longer. Angie, you know where to
go. Steve, you’ll change across the
hall.
Danielle holds the door open for Steve.
STEVE
Ooh, I feel luxuriated already.
DANIELLE
You two are the best. Welcome to
Bliss House.
INT. FACIAL STUDIO
Steve enters in his robe and slides into the chair next to Angie. She squeezes his hand. NAOMI, professional facial tech with flawless dark brown skin, leans Angie’s chair back.
NAOMI
The usual?
Angie nods. Naomi massages Angie’s face with her fingertips.
ANGIE
Now do you see why I never miss an
appointment?
STEVE
Looks like it feels amazing, Ang.
ANGIE
It does and you’re next.
NAOMI
Relax the muscles in your face.
Inhale. Exhale. Say it.
ANGIE
Nig-aaaaaaaah....
Angie relaxes into the chair. Naomi places a hot towel over Angie’s face. Steve’s eyebrows shoot up and stay there.
STEVE
I have your back, Angie. If anyone
wants to hit you, they have to come
through me.
Naomi SHUSHES Steve and points to a bronze plaque on the wall. It says:
OFFICIAL PC REFUGE
Bliss House is a certified refuge for people who feel oppressed by political correctness.
Naomi hands Steve a services list and sits him down. He looks at the list. It says:
Say “Retarded” $50
Say “Gay” but mean “Stupid” $50
Be Racist or Homophobic w/Good Intentions $100/$150 for both
NAOMI
It’s against the law to call anyone
out for not being PC in here.
Choose a service.
STEVE
No, I’m okay. I’ve gotten used to
avoiding confrontation instead.
NAOMI
The walls are soundproof. We sign
confidentiality agreements.
Angie takes Steve by the hand.
ANGIE
Remember the rap concert?
STEVE
I’ll never forget. I knew the words
to every song. I could say every
word. But one.
ANGIE
Everyone watched your mouth to see
if you would say it.
STEVE
I didn’t say it. It’s the hardest
thing I’ve ever done.
Angie hands Naomi $20.
NAOMI
Sing your song, Steve.
Angie nods at Naomi. Naomi changes the soothing music to:
SFX: GANGSTER RAP SONG
Steve’s breathing quickens, until he bursts out with:
STEVE
(rapping)
This is for my day one niggas/
those east side niggas/ those fuck
a cop, snitches get dropped type
niggas
Angie hypes him up and hands Naomi another $20.
INT. FACIAL STUDIO- LATER
Steve reclines with cucumbers over his eyes.
STEVE
So this is kinda like a safe space?
Angie SHUSHES Steve.
NAOMI
We don’t use the “SS” word here.
REVEAL: Angie with her hands all up in Naomi’s hair.
ANGIE
So exotic!
Angie puts $20 in Naomi’s hand.
INT. MASSAGE STUDIO
Steve lays on a massage table.
STEVE
You represent all black people,
right?
NAOMI
That’s the massage you paid for,
so, yes.
STEVE
So...I’m not racist, right?
Naomi leans in toward Steve’s ear.
NAOMI
You’re not racist.
Steve MOANS.
STEVE
A little to the left!
Naomi switches to Steve’s left ear.
NAOMI
You’re not racist.
Steve MOANS.
STEVE
Lower!
Naomi thinks for a moment, then gets face to face with Steve:
NAOMI
(deep voice)
You’re not racist.
Steve MOANS louder and longer than before.
STEVE
Ah, that’s my spot.
Steve hands Naomi a $20.
INT. MUD BATHS
Steve and Angie sit in mud baths next to each other. They look into each other’s eyes as one smears mud on the other’s face until they’re both in black face.
They wave at Naomi and Danielle who are restocking towels.
DANIELLE
They paid $250 to be able to do
that.
INT. BODY WRAP STUDIO - MOMENTS LATER
Naomi slathers cream on Steve, then wraps him in a steaming hot American flag. Steve MOANS then shouts:
STEVE
Not all white people!
INT. BLISS HOUSE RECEPTION AREA
Steve hands Naomi more $20s. Angie drags him away.
STEVE
Can I stay? I’m not ready to be
held accountable again. You’re
doing god’s work here!
DANIELLE
I’ll give the owner your feedback.
REVEAL: Owner’s picture on the wall: A black woman with a huge smile, holding huge stacks of money.
ANGIE
See you in two weeks for the white
history month special!
DANIELLE
We offer that deal every day.
Steve spins around before he gets to the door.
STEVE
Wait!
Steve inhales, then shouts:
STEVE (CONT’D)
I don’t see color! Witch hunt! All
lives matter! Do black people get
tan? I have a black friend! You’re racist for calling me racist. What about my feelings? Quit playing the race card! Not my flag! You’re so
articulate! O.J.’s guilty! If you
were nicer to cops, they wouldn’t
shoot you! #MeToo, more like
#MeBooHoo! Racism is in the past,
except reverse racism, that’s
called Affirmative action! Pull
yourself up by the bootstraps. All it takes is hard work and
determination.
White Jesus is the only Jesus. If
Oprah can get ahead, you all can.
What about my freedom of speech!?
He makes it rain on Danielle, clears his throat, tips a fake hat, then exits.
DANIELLE Goodnight!
Danielle locks the door. Naomi enters counting her tips. They look at the clock and their faces light up.
NAOMI DANIELLE (CONT'D)
Shift change! Shift change!
Naomi and Danielle rush through a door on the opposite end of the spa labeled: THE OTHER SIDE OF BLISS.
INT. OTHER SIDE OF BLISS LOUNGE AREA - NIGHT
Danielle polishes a sign that reads: OFFICIAL PC REFUGE for those who must insist on political correctness. Rejuvenate!
A WOMAN IN A HIJAB sips champagne with a BLACK BUSINESS WOMAN and a PERSON WITH A PHYSICAL DISABILITY.
INT. MASSAGE STUDIO
Business Woman enters in a robe and lays on Naomi’s massage table. She hands Naomi $20 and Naomi swats it away.
Naomi pours hot oil on the woman’s back. The woman EXHALES as the oil rolls off.
NAOMI
This is what it would feel like if
offensive things could just roll